Madame de Gaulle's Penis by Herbie Brennan

Author:Herbie Brennan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: humour, thriller, naked, fun, de Gaulle, assassination, satire, 1960s, memoir, BBC, karate, nun, grunt psychiatry, farce, Lyndon B. Johnson, Johnny Carson
ISBN: 9781849891233
Publisher: Andrews UK Limited
Published: 2012-09-05T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter Twelve

I got away from the old rat-bag eventually, but not before she’d broken my left arm. Between that and the fact my Luger was now rusting at the bottom of her ornamental lake, it struck me as a very bad beginning to my day of destiny. I should have had more faith, for my luck changed quite quickly.

If America has one saving grace, it’s that money really counts. If you have it, you can make things move; and if you have a lot of it, you can make them move fast. Hence, no later than mid-morning, I was sitting on a couch in Washington’s Belvodine Hospital watching while a friendly young black intern put the finishing touches to my cast.

“You got a clean break there, sir,” he told me cheerfully, “so you shouldn’t have any complications. It may start to itch a bit when the bones begin to knit, but I can give you some tablets to take your mind of it. And some pain-killers in case there are any twinges.” He pushed me gently back down on the couch. “Now, let’s make sure nothing else needs looking at.”

He began to prod my ‘abdomen with firm, sure fingers. I was stripped to the waist and a mass of noticeable-bruises. Why Johnson didn’t send Sister Marie Therese in to clean up Vietnam was beyond me.

“Your ribs are fine,” the doctor told me. He pressed. “Any pain here?”

“I’m all sore,” I told him honestly.

“Yea, but any special pain?”

“No.”

“How about here, Mr Reichmann?” I’d signed myself in as Karl Reichmann, a Swiss financier with the misfortune to have fallen out of a tourist coach.

“No.”

“Or here?”

“No.”

He straightened up. “Well, the internal organs seem to be in one piece. We’ll take X-rays, of course, just to be sure.”

“That won’t be necessary,” I said in my clipped Germanic accent. I didn’t have time for X-rays, although how I was going to get to de Gaulle now was something I hadn’t quite worked out.

“That’s your decision, sir, and your privilege. But if any pain develops - kidneys, liver, stomach, heart, spleen - don’t wait around. Get right back in here and we’ll check it out.”

A blonde nurse walked briskly past and without thinking I fantasised she was wearing only a pair of white see-through briefs. My reaction to the thought brought a painful reminder of the Mother Superior’s first well-placed kick. “Would you now check my generative organs, doctor?” I requested stiffly. “I am fearing they may have suffered damage.”

“Sure.” He pulled screens round the couch to spare the blushes of the nurses and eased down my trousers. “Well,” he said, “you’ve still got two of everything you need. Some bruising, though - I shouldn’t do any running for a day or two.” He frowned. “Did your penis always bend like that?”

“Yes,” I told him. “A professor in Zurich has told me it is no more than the loss of skin elasticity on one side.”

“That would do it all right.” He gave me a last professional glance and said, “Well, I think you can safely get dressed now.

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